counting on a miracle

So today at work, Foxy Hillary asked me why I was single, when she totally wants to marry me. I was just like, "eh... i don't think i want anything at this point." which is somewhat true, considering that I don't know if I'll still be in this city come December. Later on I was thinking about it some more and realized: The fact is? I don't like most other gay men very much.

Incidentally, I'm so homophobic that I even hate myself.

I'm tired. And honestly, I didn't do much at work today... So my second realization was that this constant exhaustion is probably also due to stress. The Miami vs. NYC stress. Family vs. My Life. Because I think about it a lot. And honestly, unless I'm distracted with a movie or a book or my flatmates armed with Nerf guns, it's weighing on my mind. That includes being at work. When I'm busy with someone, or doing something that requires focus, I'm fine. But as soon as there's nothing going on or I'm doing something mindless, like scanning books, it's all I think about. It seems like I'd feel better once I came to a definitive decision, but it's just not forthcoming. I miss my family and I know they miss me. The thought of them feeling sad makes me depressed. But they are bound to Florida and it is not likely that this will ever change, that they will ever pick up and move closer to me. On the other hand, I have a life here. All of my friends from Miami are here now. I've made new friends here- honestly, I like people up here more. Back in Florida, there's really no potential for anything to happen for me. I will just go back to being the loser who depends on his parents for rides to work... Who does nothing, ever, and will probably end up never doing anything. But what it comes down to is that either choice I make, I have to give up something important.

oh right... you've read all this before.